July 4, 2013 | Vol. 117 -- No. 11

Rooskies love ratski, and can find plenty in Snowden

Guest Commentary

So plucky little NSA rat Edward Snowden is safe in Russia, a country that has apparently started to give free speech lessons to America.

Beautiful. We used to want to beat the Rooskies in the Olympics; now they’re hiding out our whistleblowers, gaining the kind of moral high ground you don’t get by winning the gold in women’s powerlifting.

In the United States, if you kill 25 people at the behest of some organized crime “boss” and you turn rat, we cuddle you, give you a new name and ship your ratty self to the suburbs of Omaha, where you are free to open a doughnut shop.

If, on the other hand, you turn rat on the government, if you try to do what your dropout brain tells you is “the right thing,” we will hunt you to the ends of the earth, until, finally, you will be given asylum by the boys in the fur hats.

First, the Japanese stole our auto plant jobs. The Koreans swiped the steel business. India snuck off with our textile industry. Now, the Russians are raking our high ground on the whole “innocent until proven guilty” business.

I’ve always said the real thugs are in government. John Gotti had, what, 30 people killed? How many soldiers died in Afghanistan? There are NSA guys in cheap suits and bad haircuts, guys making maybe $60,000 a year, who will, in the next year, directly cause the deaths of more people than John Gotti caused in a lifetime of cinematic-quality, pinky-ring-wearing criminality.

And the guys in the cheap suits get a pension, too.

You and I, we don’t get a pension. Our government, which helps to break our unions, cheerfully hopes that we will be able to get no raises for three or four years at a time and still “save for retirement.”

It’s currently fashionable to worry about how much money you get on welfare. It’s currently fashionable to grouse about the pensions handed out to garbage men in your town. I say, watch the $60,000-a-year NSA boys. Your garbage man picks it up, but they spread it around, and there are diseases in garbage. Terrible diseases. We pay these guys to create “right cause mayhem,” and when we pension ‘em off, they look just like any other old guy on the golf course. Fifty years from now, they’ll be hunting these guys like Nazis, chasing them all over the world with a long list of the dead.

Snowden is probably set for life, particularly if he stays in Russia, a country with a long history of keeping American dissidents hanging around, like dancing bears.

America oughta be protecting Snowden. Flip him. Milk him. Turn him into a full-time cheese-eating rat, then hand him immunity and a pension.

It’s more than they gave the guys who ratted out John Gotti, but then, the NSA is a much bigger “family.”

To find out more about Marc Munroe Dion and read features by other Creators writers and cartoonists, visit www.creators.com.

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