March 28, 2013 | Vol. 116 -- No. 49

Obama makes us heroes

If some of your friends are political cranks, then you know the argument.

Goes like this: Your town spends, say, $600 providing a “get your picture taken with Santa” event for the local kids. Hopefully, they do it at Christmas

“Great,” your crank buddy says. “The whole freakin’ city is fallin’ apart, and Mayor McCheese is playin’ with Santa. That $600 could be spent helping to get drugs out of the city.”

The idea is that ANY money spent on ANYTHING other than simple education, minimal road repair and cops, lots of cops, is a waste.

We are the descendants of hardy pioneers, the thinking runs. We need no frills, no frippery. We need a gun, a bit of buffalo jerky to chew, a Bible and cops, lots of cops. Give the damn kids a picture with Santa, and they’ll grow up thinking the government IS Santa. Today, they’re sitting in Kris Kringle’s lap; tomorrow they’re nestled in the warm arms of the welfare state. Today, it’s a free Christmas card. Tomorrow, it’s an EBT card.

That’s why I like the idea that there will be no more public tours of the White House. It’s a frill, a coddling, mewling piece of junk public relations designed to distract our fourth-graders from getting an education.

The White House is a place of business, like a muffler shop. Parading a bunch of snot-nosed and frequently out-of-wedlock kids through the place does nothing, and it’s a huge waste of money. If the little bastards want to learn about American history, let ‘em put down their video games and read a damn book.

They need to cancel that White House Easter Egg Roll foolishness, too.

Government isn’t a party. You think they have Easter egg hunts for 12-year-olds in China? No. In China, 12-year-olds have jobs. They have jobs making iPods so your fat American kids can listen to ghetto scum rap about killing people for wearing the wrong color head rag.

The cancellation of White House tours by the Obama administration is just the step we needed toward minimalist government, a government that provides no frills, no fun, no fireworks, no street fairs or art galleries or music or art classes. All the government really needs to do is patch the potholes, pitch the Mexicans out of the country and make sure the next plane load of casualties makes it to Afghanistan.

Thank you, President Obama, for getting over to the hard, tough right-wing end of things, for dealing first with symbolism, for reminding us that life is not a rolling green field full of Easter eggs, nor should it be a rolling green field full of Easter eggs.

Life should be a flat thing, a huge, level plain of grey concrete relieved only by strip mall gun shops and mega churches. Beauty is for pansies. Fun is for people who don’t want to work.

Unrelieved work and grayness. Hunger and sickness. Gunshot wounds and unregulated corporations. Cradle-to-grave minimum wage. I won’t believe America is strong until I see retired elementary school teachers begging for change on the median strip of every major thoroughfare in this nation.

Obama cuts the fat. Obama eliminates the frills.

It took him long enough, but Obama finally realized how the right wing retains its hold on the fairy tale portion of the American mind.

Concentrate on the symbolic. Take away the small things until only the big stuff is left to steal.

Obama makes us heroes.

To find out more about Marc Munroe Dion and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit www.creators.com.

Reader Comments

(0)