By Roger Simon
Columnist
A thrill is going up my leg.
The hairs are standing up on the back of my neck.
My palms are sweaty; my eyes are glazed.
I am the Republican base. And Paul Ryan has come to save me.
He is everything we could have dreamed of and hoped for. He is — as the young people like to say — groovy.
Paul Ryan believes in the deserving rich. He believes that the Lord gave us two hands to grab everything we can with them.
Ayn Rand, the philosopher, was Paul Ryan's inspiration. “The reason I got involved in public service, by and large, if I had to credit one thinker, one person, it would be Ayn Rand,” Ryan said in 2005.
It is said that in one of her books, Ayn Rand called the poor “lice” and “parasites.” We do not know. We are not pointy-headed intellectuals. We are the base.
Ayn Rand was born in St. Petersburg, Russia, and wrote: “My philosophy, in essence, is the concept of man as a heroic being, with his own happiness as the moral purpose of his life ... .”
We like that idea. It means we don't have to spend time worrying about anybody else's happiness.
Take Medicare. Please. What is Medicare except a program that lavishes tax dollars on the old and sick, people who are no longer paying much in taxes and who are a drain on society?
Talk to any old person. All they say is, “Gimme, gimme, gimme.” Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security. Me, me, me.
Shouldn't money be saved for the strong? For the productive? For the superior individuals who are amassing happiness through their own sheer will, drive and, perhaps, large inheritances?
Some think Paul Ryan's Medicare plan would “end Medicare as we know it.” Well, maybe it does and maybe it doesn't. But you should have seen the plan we argued him out of. We don't want to go into details, but let's just say it involved ice floes.
We are totally jazzed by Ryan. The other guy on the ticket? Not so much. We have a personality conflict with Romney. We have personalities, and he has conflicts.
The left-wing lackey media — and we have plans for them that are going to make ice floes look like a picnic — have figured out that under Ryan's budget plan, Mitt Romney would pay an effective tax rate of around 0.82 percent.
But you know what? That's more than Romney has averaged for the last 20 years! Why else do you think he is refusing to release years of back tax returns?
Mitt is a problem. We, the base, never liked him that much. We believe the winner of the Ames Straw Poll should automatically become the Republican nominee. And Michele Bachmann agrees with us.
But Paul Ryan was a brilliant choice for us, the base. Maybe it won't attract others. Who cares?
Hispanics? Who needs them?
The elderly? All we need to do is throw a few butterfly ballots and hanging chads at them and watch them walk around in a daze.
The independents? Yeah, right. They will be too busy listening to NPR's 10-part “History of Quilting in Bhutan” to vote.
Does Ryan help us secure the three states — Florida, Virginia and Ohio — that we absolutely need to win the presidency? No. But he is a total foe of abortion, wants to cut off funds for Planned Parenthood, is pro-gun and not only can kill a deer with a bow and arrow, but, in a pinch, can dispense with the bow. Or the arrow.
This is what the base likes. This is what the base needs. We haven't been this excited since John McCain chose Sarah Palin. OK, bad example. We haven't been this excited since Bob Dole chose Jack Kemp. OK, another bad example. We haven't been this excited since George H.W. Bush chose Dan Quayle. Ha! Gotcha, there.
The fact is that Paul Ryan has spent virtually his entire adult life in politics and, therefore, is insulated from time-wasting side issues like understanding how ordinary people live.
He has seen life from the top, and the top is where you want to be. Believe us. We are the base, and we know the difference between coach and Premier Executive seating.
Does Ryan lack any real foreign policy experience? Yes. So what? How much did George W. Bush have when he plunged us into a tragic and unnecessary war for mythical weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?
But let us tell you the upside: There are a lot of people who made out like bandits on that war. They made fortunes. And they are up there flying in first class. Or on their own jets.
And that is the real lesson that any kid from Wisconsin knows: You only go around once in life, so you've got to grab for all the gusto you can.
To find out more about Roger Simon, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at http://www.creators.com.
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